What fortuitous timing! The week after I got fourteen inches of hair chopped off for Locks of Love, a friend brought an article to my attention entitled Girls with Short Hair are Damaged, written by none other than my internemesis, Tuthmosis.
Since he is such an expert when it comes to the mental disorders of women, and women in general, who else would be better to tell us all the ways women with short hair are psychologically disturbed? In fact, he ventures that a woman only truly cuts her hair short for one of three reasons:
1. She wants to outwardly advertise her aggressive and ugly personality
2. She is mentally unstable and/or damaged beyond repair in some significant way
3. She’s a lesbian
Never mind the fact that some women simply want or like short hair, or even – gasp! – look better that way. Never mind that there are lesbians, and emotionally fragile women, and women with monstrous personalities with long hair. Never mind that the way a woman chooses to style her hair is no one’s business but her own, or that some women don’t even have the choice, such as Susan S., a cancer survivor who, “had long hair for twenty years, lost it all to cancer and chemo, and [is] LOVING [her] short, curly locks.”
Nope, never mind any of that, we’re all just dealing with crippling psychotic depravity.
Listen Tuthy, if you have a thing for women with long hair, that’s cool. Hell, I even get it. With all the modern standards of beauty, it’s not even surprising. The world is filled with lots of very beautiful women with very long, beautiful hair.
Just because we don’t all live up to your standards of beauty doesn’t mean we’re deranged.
Now, given your propensity to boast about your status of Manly Man, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’ve never had hair any longer than Jared Padalecki in Season One of Supernatural. There’s nothing wrong with that, except that you’re missing a few key pieces of information. Let me let you in on a little secret about having long hair:
It’s a pain in the ass.
Seriously. It gets caught in scarves, and zippers, and purse straps, and completely inanimate objects you walk past on the street. It sheds in handfuls in the shower, and when you take out a hair band, and when you’re sitting completely still on the couch. It blinds you when it’s windy, tries to smother you when you sleep, and is a constant fire hazard when you cook. I have the utmost respect for women who deal with super long hair every single day because I literally can not. It drives me crazy.
Of course, I know the rebuttal: “Jeez, you’re so lazy. Have some pride in your appearance!”
…say guys who can step out of the shower and be ready to walk out the door in a presentable state within ten minutes. You know that old, tired comedy bit about women taking forever to get ready? I would wager that at least 75% of that time can be attributed to long hair.
Before I cut my hair, it was over two feet long from root to tip, hitting right about in the middle of my back. Since my hair is also very thick, it took over 45 minutes to blow dry, at which point it still wasn’t done because it would revert to an uncontrollable state of frizzy half-waves and angry snarls of static electricity. Taking another 45 minutes (optimistically) to style/control it puts me at an hour and a half of time that I’ll never get back. Plus, if we’re going solely off the aforementioned suggestion of taking pride in our appearance – *cough* making choices based solely on what guys like Tuthmosis think *cough* — there’s really a limited number of times and ways you can wear your hair up or, God forbid, naturally.
Furthermore, as Tuthy ruefully points out, women look older with short hair. True. I don’t look like a sixteen year old anymore. Sorry, was this supposed to be a negative thing? I can’t imagine how looking like I’m actually old enough to have a college degree could possibly be detrimental. The fact that in the week since I’ve cut my hair I’ve visibly noticed that my coworkers, superiors, and clients are taking me more seriously speaks volumes about how immature I looked with long hair.
As a final threat, Tuthmosis warns that girls with short hair will never get hit on. If not having long hair is what it takes to ward off the type of guy who only measure a woman’s attractiveness based on the length of her hair, you can bet that I’ll be keeping my hair short for, oh, ever.
Short-haired Ginger out.