You all remember my newest internemesis, Tuthmosis, the blogger who doesn’t understand what eating disorders are and is responsible for several other generally irritating posts on Return of Kings. Unlike a lot of the authors I write about on here, I don’t necessarily think Tuthmosis hates women. Sure, he needs an education on mental disorders and seems to have some misogynistic philosophies, but at his core I don’t think he’s inherently awful. In fact, I recently stumbled upon another one of his articles, which he wrote “in the spirit of gender equality,” Five Ways to Land (and Keep) a Quality Boyfriend. Surprisingly, there was a few decent pieces of advice mixed in with the stereotypical and eyebrow raising.
I thought about it, and what good is writing about the things I do if I’m stuck here on my internet pedestal? “Time to put your money where your mouth is, ginger,” I said to myself, confusing the hell out of the people around me on the bus.
So I decided I’m going to give this a shot. I’ve read and re-read Tuthmosis’ article and know exactly how to apply it to myself, and how to go out to the bar scene fully confident in my newfound ability to land and keep a Quality Boyfriend.
Let’s see how this goes.
Step 1: Look good and work on staying that way. Even if you’re naturally cute, you need to keep yourself in shape, learn to dress your body, and take care of your skin… Keep showing that you’re putting in work into looking your best, and you will keep [your] man.
It seems like I have a decent head start to his checklist…no big tattoos, no piercings apart from my ears, my hair is possibly the longest it’s ever been, I’m in decently good shape, I mostly know what clothes don’t look good on me, and I even usually remember to put on lotion!
Unfortunately, even with all those advantages I typically look somewhere along the lines of this:
Fortunately, I possess the magic of 80’s movie makeovers. Behold!
Having unlocked Hollywood’s secret to sexy transformations, staying this way will be a breeze. I mean, who would go through all the trouble to look like this 24-7 otherwise? It would take like, an hour for someone who can’t just take off their glasses and naturally look this good, and that’s valuable time that could be spent ironing.
Now it’s time to find a Quality Boyfriend for me to keep. By following the rest of these steps, it should be a snap!
Step 2: Be a pleasant, feminine sweetheart. Being sarcastic, foul-mouthed, confrontational, and difficult just for the sake of being difficult is not funny and are not attractive qualities.
OK, this might be a bit more difficult than I initially anticipated. Maybe I just won’t speak unless absolutely necessary.
I enter the pub and select a table close to the bar in full view of the door. I keep my purse and jacket off the opposite chair so it doesn’t look like it’s saved, and peruse the beer list resisting the urge to check my phone. I glance around the bar, but not in an expectant way, and flip my hair as I return to the beer list. There are plenty of guys here, certainly it’s only a matter of time before I’m approached and can pleasantly and femininely smile and nod my way through a conversation. Someone walks up to my table and I look up to see an average looking, yet well-dressed fellow around my age standing before me.
“Hi there, how’s it going?”
I smile sweetly and reply, as pleasantly and in as few words as possible. “Very well, thanks.” I pause for a moment to let him talk again, then suddenly realize I’m still speaking, and for some reason in an oddly dulcet tone. “I’m usually very sarcastic and tend to cuss a lot, but the internet told me I shouldn’t do that because it isn’t attractive or inherent to finding and keeping a Quality Boyfriend. Neither is talking about it I realize, but I find I can’t actually stop. Am I being pleasant and feminine yet? Do you find this endearing? Am I being too confrontational? Oh God, I can’t stop.”
The well-dressed fellow blinks twice and pulls his note pad out of his back pocket. “And can I get you anything to drink?” he asks.
“Surly. Better make it a Cynic.” Still dulcet. The waiter walks away and I set my head down on the table. I leave it there long after he returns with my beer, wallowing in my premature failure. After an indeterminate amount of time I hear someone else approach the table.
“Isn’t it hard to drink your beer with your head down there?” It is an unfamiliar voice. An unfamiliar male voice. Deep breath, ging. You took your crazy out on the waiter, now it’s game time. I sit up and flip my hair ‘round, pleasantly surprised to see a very good looking fellow in his late twenties crookedly smiling at me in bemusement.
“Not nearly as difficult as it is to drink it all alone,” I say returning the smile. “Care to join me…?”
“Ben. And yes, thanks, I would.” He sits down.
“So Lindsay, what do you do?
Step 3: Don’t be a slut. Your past does matter…your slutty past is a liability. That doesn’t mean withholding sex should be your strategy, though.
“Not lots of guys,” I say quickly. He pauses and looks at me sideways. I smile and toss my hair again. It lands in my eyes.
“Ha…?” he thinks I’m kidding. Doesn’t he realize I’m being sweet and therefore not sarcastic?
I brush my hair away from my face, poking my eye in the process. It immediately begins to water and my contact folds and slides out of place. My eye clamps shut and I’m frozen in an awkward, squinty wink. Ben stares at me. I smile, but it’s really more of a grimace.
“That’s not to say it’s out of the question for you, of course,” I manage to say while stuck in my very best Popeye impression.
“Are you okay?”
“Are you sure? It kind of looks like you’re having a stroke.”
I toss my hair again, which somehow knocks my contact back into place. “I’m great. Really great. And I was serious, sex isn’t off the table. Most guys aren’t so lucky. On account of the sex being off the table for most of them.”
He orders a drink and sits quietly, glancing around the room. I need something else to draw him in further, to let him know I’m good for the long haul.
Step 4: Have some domestic skills. Nothing discourages a man more than bragging about your non-existent domestic skills.
“I have domestic skills,” I murmur seductively.
“Oh. Good?” he looks confused, probably from having to deal with so many girls who don’t have the sense to YouTube how to fold shirts. He must have no idea how to handle himself around a skilled woman like me.
I reach into my purse and giggle seductively. “You tell me,” I say, as I pull out an ornately plated chicken parmesan and seductively set it before him.
“Uh, what…what is that?”
“Chicken parmesan. It’s my specialty,” I say seductively, taking a seductive sip of my beer.
“You brought your own meal?”
“It’s important to me that you know I know my way around the kitchen. Go ahead, try it.”
“Um…no, thank you.” He pushes the plate away in a classic negging move. I must really have him intrigued if he’s trying to undermine my self-esteem to get me to try harder for his attention.
It’s probably genuinely good that he declined to try the chicken, though. Having been vegan for almost two years, I almost certainly undercooked it.
Regardless, this is totally working. I only have one more step and I’ll have landed a Quality Boyfriend.
Step 5: Be interesting. Cultivate other parts of you above and beyond your looks…learn an instrument, practice a (real) dance, or master a fine art.
Interesting? I can do interesting! I’ve spent years wearing glasses, so I had to have some kind of personality to fall back on. Let’s see…I have lots of views on politics and current events, but I’m supposed to be non-confrontational, so forget that. Oh, skills! Mastery of a fine art is the recommendation because they were developed for the female mind, which is biologically unable to process things like science and math. Those twelve years of tap dancing will finally come in handy! I leap to my feet. He groans, probably from impending admiration.
“Oh for – now what?”
Flap heel flap heel flap heel flap heel step shuffle step shuffle step shuffle step shuffle –
Hop shuffle cross hop shuffle cross hop shuffle hop shuffle hop shuffle step step jump and a wing and a wing and a wing cramp roll cramp roll pull back pull back pull back and a wing step step sugar two three four –
“You need help.”
Stomp hop shuffle step flap wing and a stomp hop shuffle step flap wing and a –
My rogue time steps have collided with the waiter and his tray full of drinks. Shards of glass fly everywhere as people shriek and dive for cover. I attempt to incorporate it into my maxi ford combo, but I trip on half a shot glass and slide into the bar. I quickly spin around into my best Fosse pose, complete with jazz hands and imaginary bowler hat. Ben is nowhere in sight, but there are several bouncers heading in my direction.
As I sit on the curb outside to pick the glass out of my shoe soles, I reaffirm my belief that dating is stupid and my time would be better spent doing literally anything else.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on tumblr reblogging gifs of Tom Hiddleston.