Who signed me up for Match.com?

I am single. If it were possible to be varying degrees of single, I would consider myself to be very single. Solitary confinement? Boom, nailed it.

I’m not bragging. It actually gets really frustrating that it’s socially acceptable for people to judge my success solely on my answer to their question of, “So are you seeing anyone?” but it’s not socially acceptable for me to yell about my other accomplishments and make them sit in a corner to think about what they’ve done.

If you’re in a stable relationship at the end of college, good for you! You’re seen as a healthy and functioning adult, capable of making well-thought decisions and providing for your future. If you’re single, people ask what you plan to do next year and look like they expect you to talk about your dreams of moving to Albania to juggle chainsaws and Yorkshire terriers on a tightrope in the nude.

I tried to find a picture, I really did.

Being a single almost-college grad is one of the sharpest of double-edged swords, because being single means one of two things, and both are your fault. One choice is that you’ve simply foregone the attainment of a significant other. Whether you were focused on schoolwork, shy to the bar scene, or just never seemed to find the right guy (or girl — I shouldn’t assume guys and lesbians don’t have this problem, too), a relationship just never happened. This means you aren’t looking hard enough. Love isn’t going to just come to you if you’re not willing to get out there, and while you’re at it, you should also really do something about your hair. No one will like you if you look like you don’t care.

The alternative is that you so want to be in a relationship that you will frantically try everything to find someone, trick yourself into dangerously lowering your standards, and can be found crying with your friends and some Franzia that you’ll wind up as one of those old ladies with hundreds of cats. If this is the case, you are hinging all of your happiness on whether or not you’re in a relationship, and are probably suffering from some serious self-esteem issues. Have you thought about focusing on something else, like maybe a job?

Basically, if you’re single and cool with it, you’re sloppy and unmotivated, but if you’re single and looking, you’re desperate and unbalanced. Never mind the fact that you have the rest of your life ahead of you and are in the throes of the most exciting years you have to live, this isn’t really about you anyway. It’s about being socially acceptable so people don’t feel uncomfortable when they talk to you at holiday parties and try to figure out if you’re alone because you’re a pariah.

Which brings me to my point.

Someone whose identity is presently unknown (to me) created a Match.com profile for me earlier this year. I have nothing against Match.com. I get that online dating is legitimate place to meet people, and I know people who met their spouses on Match.com. It’s a good site. I just didn’t sign up for it.

I didn’t actually realize what had happened at first. I started getting e-mails and deleted them without even looking at the subject lines, figuring someone who knows me probably had signed up and entered in e-mail addresses of people they thought might be interested, like a recommendation reward program or something. The e-mails started getting pretty frequent so I finally opened one to go through the unsubscribe process, which is when I realized the e-mails were specifically coming for me.

Join now and become hideously crippled!

It’s a fairly good practical joke actually, I’m not mad about that. The problem I’m having is that I don’t have the password, and whoever set it up designated a different e-mail address than mine for lost passwords sent to be sent to. So I can’t get in to change the settings, and I keep getting semi-creepy e-mails saying things like “Seven men have checked you out this week!” or “He’s interested! Find out who he is!” Worse than that are the user names of these guys. They’re always weird things like “WinkMaster101” or “TenacityFTW” or “Citadel_Stud”. Now I’m sure these are all very nice young men, but of all the possible noun and verb combinations in the English language, could someone please explain why those are supposed to make them more attractive to women?

Furthermore, if this whole thing is less of a “ha-ha-you-should-see-your-face!” prank and more of a “ha-ha-but-seriously-do-something-before-you-die-alone!” prank, I should mention that some of these e-mails come with pictures of the men you think I should be dating. This begs the question, would you really prefer me to be at social events with this guy than to come alone?

THIS GUY.

Call me what you will — picky, lazy, stuck-up, early-onset spinster, whatever — I am perfectly content with how I’m doing. Would it be nice to have company? Yes, but in the meantime I seem to be holding down the fort just fine.

And if you’re really struggling with things to ask me about the next time we run into each other, I really won’t be offended if you just start talking about yourself. We both know what the alternative is.

Also, will someone please give me the password? I just want the e-mails to stop.

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3 responses to “Who signed me up for Match.com?

  1. Pingback: The Best of 2012 | Laptop Ginger

  2. Pingback: So, About Match.com | Laptop Ginger

  3. “People look like they expect you to talk about your dreams of moving to Albania to juggle chainsaws and Yorkshire terriers on a tightrope in the nude.”

    Okay, I don’t know if I’m just in a mood or what, but omg 😂 😂 😂

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