A good analogy is as hard to find as something that’s really hard to find

I consider myself a bit of a grammar snob. This may come as a bit of a shock, and I’m sure that I’ll get plenty of people pointing out numerous grammatical mistakes I’ve made in past posts, disregarding both that most posts were written on caffeine highs and that you should really get a better hobby.

"A comma? Ha! nOOb!"

My point for all of this is that I find humor in horrific grammatical fails. Slightly less nerdy, I also find humor in terrible written works. See, I don’t feel bad laughing at people who write terribly, because people who have such a poor grasp on the language they’ve been speaking their entire lives deserve to be laughed at. I don’t laugh at the broken English as a second language folks, because they’re making an effort, and English is hard.

No, I laugh at the high school students too lazy to think of  proper sentence structure, and the young business school grads too arrogant for spell check on their resumes, and the hordes of adolescent girls who tHiNk tht tHeY r waY 2 kEwL 2 b tYpiNG liEk 4 skEwl stUFf on teH inTeRNetZ.

I wish I was kidding, but people actually talk like that online.

Dramatization.

I digress. No one expects good grammar from the internet, particularly if that bit of internet is inhabited by teenagers. One might expect to find decent grammar in, say an English classroom. After all, it’s the molding ground of young minds, the medium through which creative geniuses like Shakespeare, Chaucer, and Dostoevsky come alive, where a passion for writing will spring up and surge forth like a storm pushing through a dam!

Just kidding.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies, similies, and metaphors found in high school essays, excerpts of which are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Below is a compilation of some of my favorites. Please to enjoy.

  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
  16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
  18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  25.  He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  26. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  27. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  28. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
  29. Waiting for information, he kept his ear to the grindstone.
  30. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  31. America’s soft power has been ratcheted up not a notch, but a logarithm.
  32. Throughout, both men were mesmerizingly fierce and yet imperturbably calm. At crucial points they were like gladiators playing chess.
  33. I went right to the problem, like a whole bottle of aspirin taped to someone’s forehead.
  34. The dominoes fell like a house of cards put together by someone with the shakes.
  35. The toddlers looked at each other as if they had just been told their mutual funds had taken a complete nosedive.
  36. She was a couch potato in the gravy boat of life, flopping dejectedly on the sofa.
  37. It will take a big tractor to plow the fertile fields of his mind.
  38. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
  39. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  40. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  41. Her lips felt thick, cold and wet, like a big mouth bass in the depth of winter solstice.
  42. His teeth rattled like that equipment that construction workers use on the road.
  43. After being shot, Jackson danced along the dark path like Blackbeard with his wooden leg on fire.
  44. Tears welled in her eyes like a well.
  45. Her eyes lit up like headlights with a 300lb mule deer caught in them, which was pretty surprising since she was such a dim bulb between the ears.

Suddenly I’m questioning my decision to never become a teacher.

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